Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I will be naked everywhere
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize