So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
