I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
