i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
