I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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