forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
