I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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