Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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