Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
