hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
