I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
grandma shit on top of the toilet
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
