My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
