I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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