1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
