the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
