Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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