Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
