how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
