If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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