Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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