Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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