I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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