I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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