Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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