Just fell off a train. Bad.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
