just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
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