brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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