Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
