Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
