your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
