I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize