I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize