he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
