Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
