Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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