I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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