I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
