Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
