my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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