Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize
