Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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