Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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