Tell her she can't have a vagina
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize