i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize