you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
