I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
