My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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