We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I think I just sharted jello shots
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize