So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
