i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
