If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
