new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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