we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
