I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
