Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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