I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
